101 Ways to Die in Cameroon

By: Sarah Price
(with input from Becca Wood, Abby Gwinn, and Lucy Miller)
1. snake bite
2. spider bite
3. ant attack
4. malaria
5. typhoid
6. schistosomiasis
7. yellow fever
8. worms
9. moto accident
10. bush taxi accident
11. bus accident
12. eaten by petites/ pikin (petites = children)
13. eaten by giant caterpillars
14. eaten by a panther
15. someone kills your spirit animal (if your spirit animal dies, you die)
16. someone gives you a spirit animal without telling you then kills it
17. an evil spirit attacks you
18. a sorceress casts a spell on you
19. bad staph infection
20. machete attack from a robber
21. machete attack from a neighbor
22. machete attack from a bandit
23. machete attack from an angry student
24. swarmed in your sleep by cockroaches
25. swarmed in your sleep by crickets
26. swarmed in your sleep by mango flies
27. rabid dog
28. rabid cat
29. rabid rat
30. rabid rabbit
31. you anger God
32. you anger a chief
33. you anger the traditional doctor and he puts a curse on you
34. go for a walk in the jungle with the wrong person
35. go for a walk in the jungle by yourself … you’ll never find your way back out
36. strangle yourself in your mosquito net trying to get out of bed to pee in the middle of the night
37. try to plant a garden and accidentally touch a poisonous plant
38. try to plant a garden and trip on your machete
39. try to plant a garden and cut your hand on your machete and get tetanus
40. you offend your ancestors
41. you offend your neighbor’s ancestors
42. you offend your cat’s ancestors
43. electrocution by faulty socket
44. electrocution by faulty socket in the toilet
45. electrocution by electrical surge at the moment you are plugging in your phone to charge (double death: death of you and death of your phone)
46. cow attack
47. hitting a cow crossing the road
48. hitting a goat crossing the road
49. hitting a chicken crossing the road
50. drowning in a bucket bath
51. drowning in a well
52. drowning in a fish pond
53. drowning in the rainy season
54. forgetting to eat during a Brooklyn 9-9 marathon
55. forgetting to eat during a Game of Thrones marathon
56. forgetting to eat during a Twin Peaks marathon
57. malnutrition by cous cous or fufu consumption
58. lack of water
59. drinking unclean water
60. drinking water with too much bleach
61. drinking water with too little bleach
62. execution for murdering misogynistic coworkers
63. execution for murdering misogynistic neighbors
64. execution for murdering misogynistic chiefs
65. smothered by the love from your neighbors
66. an exploded stomach from all the food your neighbors give you
67. slipping on mud during rainy season
68. getting dust in your eyes during dry season and falling off a cliff
69. coconut falls on your head
70. falling out of a tree while trying to pick avocados
71. tripping and falling into a cooking fire
72. smoke inhalation from a traditional kitchen
73. chalk dust inhalation
74. palm wine inhalation
75. exhaust fumes from a bush taxi
76. boredom
77. falling into a broken sidewalk-gutter
78. breaking any skin and then dying from an infection
79. accidentally ingesting some of the mouse droppings around your house
80. accidentally ingesting some of the bat droppings around your house
81. accidentally ingesting some of the lizard droppings around your house
82. eating anything off of any floor ever
83. walking into oncoming traffic to avoid harassment
84. going mentally insane trying to deal with ant infestations
85. going mentally insane dealing with rat infestation
86. going mentally insane dealing with child infestation.
87. running the Mount Cameroon Race of Hope
88. barracuda attack at the beach
89. shark attack at the beach
90. jellyfish attack at the beach
91. strangulation trying to properly tie your head scarf for church
92. refusing to pay an illegal bribe
93. paying an illegal bribe
94. severe sunburn
95. choking on fish bones
96. choking on chicken bones
97. choking on cow skin
98. over-ingestion of spaghetti omelets
99. crushed by construction workers’ cinder blocks
100. isolation
101. old age

Really, it’s a success that we survive!


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